I’m sorry I cancelled last minute.
When I accepted the invite earlier this week I was feeling great. I was so excited. I was comfortable, and my anxiety was well contained.
When I woke up this morning I panicked.
I have nothing to wear. Will they be able to tell I’ve gained weight? What if I slip up and say something weird and make a total jackass of myself? I just can’t handle “uncomfortable” today. I need certainty. I need to stay safe today. I need my pajamas, and my tea, and my Netflix, and my locked door that keeps me safe inside from all the people.
The warm pressure rising from my gut all the way up my neck is making it hard to breathe. Just thinking about being in a crowd of people tonight makes me cringe. My fear is on high alert. Except what am I fearing? I have no idea. Seriously, I don’t know—but it is true fear.
I have to cancel, but if I tell you the real reason you’ll scoff at me. So what can I say? Hmmmm. Sick? No. Tired? Maybe. Plans got miscommunicated with husband and he already had plans. Yes. That’s perfect! Some might say I’m a pathological liar. I claim self-preservation techniques.
Please don’t be disappointed. Next time, I promise—because next time seems so far away and manageable.
I’m sorry I never answered your phone call.
I tried to answer for the whole 20 seconds it rang. Instead I just stared at your name flashing on the screen of the phone, a million thoughts rushing through my mind.
What could you possibly want from me? If you’re trying to make plans I’m going to say yes, but I can’t promise I’ll actually show up.
If you need something from me I’ll be terrified to tell you ‘no,’ even though I’m barely taking care of myself at the moment.
Are you just wanting a conversation? Oh dear, can I formulate sentences that even make sense right now?
What if you ask me how I’m doing? I’ll be forced to lie and say ‘Great!’ Even though I’m still trying to calm myself from hearing my phone ring. I don’t like the lies. Even my lies make me uncomfortable, so I’ll just ignore you instead. If you need something important you’ll text me. I can take time to organize my thoughts if we text.
I’m sorry I had to leave your party early. When I showed up I was so excited to see you and everyone else. Congratulations on your engagement, by the way. I’m so happy for you.
It’s just that, well—I wasn’t prepared for quite so many people. I had mentally prepared myself for your family, I had forgotten his family and friends would be there. Making small talk is so hard for me—especially with strangers.
There were so many people, as the crowd began to thicken I could feel that familiar warm pressure beginning to rise from my gut to my neck. Mouth dry, sweaty hands, and I was having a hard time catching my breath.
The more conversations I had to participate in the more my thoughts raced. Trying to hear them over my own thoughts grew more challenging by the minute.
I had to get out of there.
I couldn’t handle one more question where I had to talk about myself. I hate talking about myself. I couldn’t analyze one more stare from another person—do they think I’m a pretty cool person or am I boring them to death. Do they secretly know every mistake I’ve made in life? They’re judging me, I know it.
I’m sorry I missed such a momentous occasion in your life. Again, congratulations!
I look around the room and I’m so content being alone. I can feel my shoulders untightening the longer I sit here.
I sip my warm tea, curl my legs up, and find a good series on Netflix. I can shut my mind off now. I can let my anxiety cool off to a low simmer. No questions for me. No demands of me. No smiling for me.
The doorbell rings…
For the LOVE—call before you come over.
I’ll pretend I’m not home.
The lights and TV are on.
HEY! What an awesome surprise!! The house is a mess, but come on in… let chat! It’s so good to see you….