Depression Sucks.

I don’t want to talk.

I need rest.

I need silence.

The thoughts in my mind are overwhelming. They won’t stop. My life is a constant battle of outside voices competing with internal thoughts. It’s too much.

I don’t know how, but I need rest.

I’m lonely, but I can’t silence the storm of thoughts in my mind when another voice is in my ear; so I shut everyone out and feel relieved when they finally walk away.

I don’t mean to hurt feelings, but I need silence.

I don’t want anyone around because the tension that radiates from their discomfort with silence is even worse than being forced to talk.

I know they mean well, but I need rest.

I don’t need to lay down in the sense that it’s been a long day. I need to disappear for a while in the sense that it could be fatal if I don’t.

I need silence.

I need rest.

I don’t want to cater to your emotional demands at this time. If there’s ever been a time I need to be selfish it is right now. I cannot heal if I’m constantly juggling how my illnesses are affecting you.

I need someone who doesn’t take control.

I need someone who listens without reacting.

I need someone who is comfortable to sit in silence, because I’m going to stay quiet for a long time. It would be nice to have a presence with me, but it will take a very special soul to keep me at ease.

I need someone who will let me be me. The broken, doubting, overwhelmed, depressed, sometimes angry me. I need someone strong enough to let go of the control that causes them to tell me I’m great and perfect and wrong to believe I’m anything less than magnificent. I need someone that will let me be me in my worst form, because that is the foundation of my healing.

Once I feel safe to step outside the numbest areas of my conscious, I will start processing my overwhelming thoughts one by one. I will keep what is good, and evict what is bad. I cannot be led in this process, and I cannot answer the questions that may arise. You must allow me to lead, and at my own pace. These thoughts will be ugly, and terrifying, and disturbing, and as close to demonic as one will ever get without actually stepping foot through the gates of Hell. I need someone who can listen without reacting, because the second you react is the instantaneous moment I will no longer consider you safe.

I know I’ve hurt your feelings, and for that I am sorry. I know you’ve meant well by the band-aids you’ve offered, but the infection is just too deep to be covered. I know you want to walk this road for me, but I must go it alone. I only need to know that if I get scared I can scream and you will hear me. I need reassurance that I will make it–not how I will make it–but that you’re confident I will find a way. My own way.

 

Love.

15 thoughts on “Depression Sucks.”

  1. I almost killed myself last night. I didn’t…obviously. I am only recently learning how much healing I get from writing about it. So I wrote about it today. The choice I made last night. The battle I guess I’m choosing to once again fight. People’s responses were…all over the place. Some of the usual guilt shit. Some just pure love. All of course contribute to my overall feelings of shame at ‘overreacting’. You know the drill I’m sure.
    And then Lithium Chronicles shared this post of yours. Today of all days. So perfectly timed. Thank you. Thank you for speaking truth. For fighting. For surviving. For reminding me that it is OK for me to do what I need to do to heal. And that it’s ok for this to be about me. Just me. In my own battle with demons.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I can literally feel myself laying there in your shoes last night. It’s a pain I will never forget. The feeling of true hopelessness. My children saved my life that night. And I clawed my way back slowly but surely, and you will too.
      Unless anyone has ever experienced those feelings they will NEVER be able to wrap their minds around it. I think some are just mean, some are just ignorant, and some want to help so much they make things worse. I had to close the world out bc I couldn’t listen to one more comment. My personal favorite was, “are you praying enough?” As if my illness was some wrath from God. I wanted to throat punch them.
      You have me in tears knowing that another soul out there is in the fire I barely escaped. But you are going to find your way, I promise. You’re a warrior. And please please please reach out to me if you need a reminder.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for this Sarah, I’ve shared it to TLC, Twitter, and my blog. This is a powerful piece that people need to read and I thank you for writing it so beautifully and for sharing it with us all. You are loved and you are an inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

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